One of my New Year’s Resolutions was to try and find myself some more confidence, to not feel like I had to go along with what everyone else wanted regardless of how it was making me feel.
And right now, I feel like I might have finally started doing things for me.
My first step was saying no to something from the off-set and not feeling incredibly guilty about it. I normally agree to go along, and then something comes up on the day. The excuses are genuine, I’m usually ill. But I have to wonder how much of that being ill is because I’m worrying about it. This time, however, I knew that I didn’t want to go to the event. And I made that clear.
The friend in question is a dear one and I know that she won’t really care that I didn’t want to go. We’ll just find something else to do instead. But it did feel like it was the first time that I had actually turned around and said it rather than giving in.
I must admit: I liked it.
I have recently started writing for a second online magazine which involves viewing and reviewing films. For a film student, I am awful at going to the cinema. In fairness, it is mainly because of the cost: £8 for one ticket or my lovefilm subscription for the same amount for a month’s worth of films. No brainer. But now I’ve started this, I can actually go to the cinema. I can view things that I want to see.
It means not only can I have some more up to date reviews on here – which I’m sure has to be better than constantly reviewing things about three years old – but that I can get the experience writing for a different company. It’s about reaching for your dreams, and this is my first step. I don’t know what the future is going to bring. But I do know I won’t get anywhere unless I work for it.
As the working is towards a dream, it must mean its things that I enjoy doing. So like writing for the magazine, I’m going to try and carry on doing things that I want to do. It feels odd in a way; I’m used to catering to others or flooding myself with work rather than taking a step back and giving myself a little break. I just need to find a way of balancing things so that I can have some fun and really get something out of my time here rather than worrying about everything.
For someone who likes to just hide away, thinking of things to do is a little bit daunting. So I’m going to start small. An extra cinema trip. Some time reading my book. That sort of thing. But maybe after a few months I will be able to step things up a bit. I won’t feel guilty about saying no. I’ll plan things with others that I want.
And who knows, maybe I’ll learn how to be good to myself.