Mental health: Anxiety

I have anxiety. There, I’ve said it. A mild form no doubt compared to most people. But it still affects my life. It still stops me saying yes to things because it is a break in my schedule, my routine, and heaven forbid that I get behind on those jobs that only make sense to me.

I wasn’t certain I wanted to go to uni. I got swept up, went…and hated it. I dropped out after a term and crashed hard into depression. I lost two dress sizes because I wasn’t eating and I couldn’t engage with anything.

After a year, I made the decision to return. A different uni and a different course, one that embraced my passions. Starting my Film and Writing degree was the best decision I’ve made.

My health was against me though: frequent trips home to the doctors and various medications undermined the experience. Still, I got the results I wanted and started job hunting.

The job I ended up with set off my depression again. Only this time, anxiety came along with it because of their attitudes: I was having panic attacks on trains if they paused for longer than a minute and, again, nothing held my interest. I lost my passions and enthusiasm, which made me worse.

After a lot of support from my family, I quit. But I had nothing lined up. I decided I wanted to go back to uni and do a Masters: I wanted to get into the publishing industry and this seemed like the way to do it. It was the most intense year of my life: working part-time while dealing with uni. But I loved it.

I now have a job that I love and feel more settled than I’ve done for years. But still anxiety lurks.

I have lists of lists that make me panic if I don’t get things ticked off. I leave the house and halfway down the road, I’m convinced I forgot to lock the door. A few steps beyond that, and I’ve apparently left the front door wide open. I can’t park at the gym and have a freak out because I hate manoeuvring.

I have more good days than bad these days, thankfully. I’m also better at recognising when I’m starting to lose it and changing whatever system I am using at the time to stop me from going too far. I still struggle with socialising, although that’s as much because I’m a true introvert on top of anxiety. When watching things and writing becomes a chore, another tick that I have to do, I know I’m losing control.

Recognising the signs is one thing. But being able to control it is another. Reading some of the posts out here about what people do, how they stay positive despite it all, is more inspiring than words can say.

This is my personal story, something that is always on my mind because the anxiety itself doesn’t let me forget it. What’s yours?

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