I planned a monthly update for today, but it’s been so long since the last, I thought it would be a little random. Instead, I want to dive into something far more personal. I’ve been doing a lot of thinking lately, and checking in with myself.
Have you ever felt yourself on the brink of making a change, finding out who you are, and not knowing which way you’re going?
That’s how I’ve been feeling recently.
Four weeks ago, I had a week off work. I spent three days solidly working on my to-do list, adamant I had a backlog of things to tick off. If I’m honest, a lot were blog admin – and I saw no results from it. I stressed myself out, I exhausted myself, and I knew two days of being back at work and I’d be behind again.
Having a to-do list is an anxiety crutch for me. I feel I should always be productive; that just relaxing is not okay. Ever since I dropped out of my first university nearly ten years ago, I’ve felt this constant need to prove myself. When I get free time, I’ve got something to fall back on and say I’ve got things to work on. I do get satisfied ticking things off, but find myself deliberately setting too much.
Three weeks ago, I started a new job.
There’s no way I could continue the way I was going. For the first time in a while, I realised I didn’t want to. I don’t have anything to prove: not to other people, and certainly not myself.
But by this point, I wasn’t getting any enjoyment out of blogging, writing had become a chore, and I only watched shows I planned to review. I twist fun things into another box on a list. I was burning myself out for no reward.
The first week of the job, I was exhausted. I spent every evening crashed in front of the T.V. By the weekend, I realised I’d enjoyed that. I’d switched off, I’d let myself relax, and I slept better because of it.
Deciding to scrap the list was hard though. I’ve relied on it for years. Advice suggested reducing it, but I know myself better than that. I’d never keep it as reduced and within a week, I’d be back to where I started.
Who do I want to be?
It’s taken a lot of thinking and trying to decide who I am – and who I want to be. For the first time in years, it feels this is the right time to decide what I want, the type of person I want to be, and start working towards that. I’m guilty of standing on the side-lines even of my own life, and it wasn’t making me happy.
There’re different sides to me. There’s ‘working’ me. There’s ‘reality’ me. There’s ‘blogging’ me. And there’s ‘writing’ me. Only one of those versions feels like she has any confidence, and it’s the latter.
Writing has always been my passion. I’m a fanfiction writer and I love it – and it’s time for me to stop hiding that part of myself. I get sheer joy out of it, so why the heck am I denying it? I’m also a fantasy writer, and my novel is not going to finish itself.
Around a month ago, it came out in conversation with a friend I was a fanfic writer. I have a quite niche fandom, and her genuine interest was the best feeling. I could gush, without shrugging it off.
I could be myself.
That was the moment of realisation: I was so busy ticking off boxes that I’d lost sight of where my passions lie.
I’m trying to cut back on blogging. But, if I’m honest, you won’t notice. It’s the admin side of things; it’s the hours spent pouring over different platforms with no results. I need to break the mindset of worrying about numbers: it’s time to take it back to why I started: rambles and reviews.
The decision has been made, and I’m excited. I feel it’s time to find my balance, find what it is I want, and go for it.
No more life on the side-lines.
Have you ever experienced something like this? What advice would you offer someone feeling a bit lost?
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20 thoughts on “Checking in (with myself)”
Proud of you!❤️
You’ve been inspiring me lately!
Well done you, this post was a joy to read, it felt like I was inside your head!
“I was so busy ticking off boxes that I’d lost sight of where my passions lie.” YES, YES, YES! I’m so glad to read this and hear this. Obviously having these feelings aren’t fun but sometimes they’re SO VITAL in allowing us to really work out what we want and what isn’t aligning with us anymore. It sounds like you’ve had a LOT of breakthroughs. I can really relate to the needing to feel productive all the time. That’s something I’ve worked so hard to break through as well and it’s mega hard. I’m with you every step of your blogging journey! xxxx
This means the absolute world to me, thank you so much. It’s been a pretty intense few weeks in my head I have to admit, but I know it’s the right course to take if I can just figure out the best way of handling it. I’m hoping it’s going to really give me some inspiration back to be honest and put the fun back in things.
Yes, yes, YES to all of this. It’s so easy to just work. all. the. flipping. time. and forget that we need to just LIVE too.
Oh my goodness! This a million times over! There is so much work in the background that no one can appreciate unless they are a blogger.
Thank you for opening up and sharing, It is hard to admit that things are too much at times. Take your time, enjoy some more you time Lindsey and we are all here cheering you on x x
You’re an inspiration – good for you!!! Hard but good decisions!
Love the introspection
This is a great reminder. Congratulations on being able to do the self reflection necessary to come to this realization. That shows a lot of strength! I know that I am also guilty of the ‘always productive’ way of thinking. It’s something that I have always struggled with in some way, shape or form in my life. I am also trying to get better at recognizing that just relaxing is not only okay, it’s necessary!
I can honestly say I’ve never related to a post more than this one! I have been spending so much time doing more shifts at work and coming home with no energy to blog, so I’ve just been crashing infront of the TV. Not having a to-do list and burning myself out has been INCREDIBLE for my mental health, and guess what? I’ve decided to start working on my blog again and having those few months off to do my shifts and chill after them hasn’t negatively impacted my blog AT ALL! It’s right where I left it, waiting for me. I’m proud of you for recognising you need to give yourself a break. You’ve got this, love! xx
Getting rid of that to do list can be so hard but you have to do what is right for you. Working on the things you are passionate will make them less lightly to be a chore.
This post is so relatable! There is so much work that goes into blogging behind the scenes that is never seen and it can easily get overwhelming at times. It’s great that you’re taking the time to reflect and relax!
I love this Lindsey! I think it can be so easy to get caught up in the grind. I think this pandemic has made a lot of us slow down and realize it’s time to change direction. I know it’s been that way for me! I hope your fan fiction and new direction bring you more enjoyment and less stress!
Love this! Focus on what you’re passionate about instead of what you’re “supposed” to do.
Love this post, very open and honest. Thanks for sharing! I get a similar feeling too from time to time normally career based- is this the right path for me/should I be doing something etc… but TIME is the best thing for all those types of questions and like you said – checking in with yourself! And remember don’t be hard on yourself if you’re not ticking things off on your to-do list, we’re all like it! x
Thank you so much! It can be hard reminding myself of that at times, but it’s definitely the right time to take stock of how you’re feeling in yourself. Thanks for stopping by.
[…] was interesting reading, though. They reflect a lot of what I mentioned in my post a couple of weeks ago: finding my way back to myself, and focusing on my passions […]
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