Checking in (with myself)

I planned a monthly update for today, but it’s been so long since the last, I thought it would be a little random. Instead, I want to dive into something far more personal. I’ve been doing a lot of thinking lately, and checking in with myself.

Have you ever felt yourself on the brink of making a change, finding out who you are, and not knowing which way you’re going?

That’s how I’ve been feeling recently.

Four weeks ago, I had a week off work. I spent three days solidly working on my to-do list, adamant I had a backlog of things to tick off. If I’m honest, a lot were blog admin – and I saw no results from it. I stressed myself out, I exhausted myself, and I knew two days of being back at work and I’d be behind again.

Having a to-do list is an anxiety crutch for me. I feel I should always be productive; that just relaxing is not okay. Ever since I dropped out of my first university nearly ten years ago, I’ve felt this constant need to prove myself. When I get free time, I’ve got something to fall back on and say I’ve got things to work on. I do get satisfied ticking things off, but find myself deliberately setting too much.

Making changes

Three weeks ago, I started a new job.

There’s no way I could continue the way I was going. For the first time in a while, I realised I didn’t want to. I don’t have anything to prove: not to other people, and certainly not myself.

But by this point, I wasn’t getting any enjoyment out of blogging, writing had become a chore, and I only watched shows I planned to review. I twist fun things into another box on a list. I was burning myself out for no reward.

The first week of the job, I was exhausted. I spent every evening crashed in front of the T.V. By the weekend, I realised I’d enjoyed that. I’d switched off, I’d let myself relax, and I slept better because of it.

Deciding to scrap the list was hard though. I’ve relied on it for years. Advice suggested reducing it, but I know myself better than that. I’d never keep it as reduced and within a week, I’d be back to where I started.

Who do I want to be?

It’s taken a lot of thinking and trying to decide who I am – and who I want to be. For the first time in years, it feels this is the right time to decide what I want, the type of person I want to be, and start working towards that. I’m guilty of standing on the side-lines even of my own life, and it wasn’t making me happy.

There’re different sides to me. There’s ‘working’ me. There’s ‘reality’ me. There’s ‘blogging’ me. And there’s ‘writing’ me. Only one of those versions feels like she has any confidence, and it’s the latter.

Writing has always been my passion. I’m a fanfiction writer and I love it – and it’s time for me to stop hiding that part of myself. I get sheer joy out of it, so why the heck am I denying it? I’m also a fantasy writer, and my novel is not going to finish itself.

Around a month ago, it came out in conversation with a friend I was a fanfic writer. I have a quite niche fandom, and her genuine interest was the best feeling. I could gush, without shrugging it off.

I could be myself.

That was the moment of realisation: I was so busy ticking off boxes that I’d lost sight of where my passions lie.

I’m trying to cut back on blogging. But, if I’m honest, you won’t notice. It’s the admin side of things; it’s the hours spent pouring over different platforms with no results. I need to break the mindset of worrying about numbers: it’s time to take it back to why I started: rambles and reviews.

The decision has been made, and I’m excited. I feel it’s time to find my balance, find what it is I want, and go for it.

No more life on the side-lines.

Have you ever experienced something like this? What advice would you offer someone feeling a bit lost?

You may also like:

• It’s okay… to not be okay
• Why I won’t stop blogging

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